FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
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Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom