@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

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@envydatropic

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

@XplodingUnicorn

[driving]

Wife: Horseys!

Me: The kids aren’t in the car.

Wife: I said it for me.

@Nursey2Be

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

@MomOnFire

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

@XplodingUnicorn

I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”

@MaverickBistro

Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality

@mommy_cusses

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

@whalesmells

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

@seandunn76

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*