Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: The kids aren’t in the car.
Wife: I said it for me.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”
Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor
Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*