@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

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@ibid78

I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”

@dafloydsta

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

@funnyordie

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

@rage_chaos

“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.

@tiffpats4eva

Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.

@longwall26

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

@sarousti

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

@LuvPug

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

@AimeeHelene1

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!