Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.