Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

reduce, reuse, recycle

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.