*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
In Canada they just call them geese
Nose
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺