Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I love it all
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department