food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea