Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.