Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

*limbos away from your hug*

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”