Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.