Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
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“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
when dads have a rap battle
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break