Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.