Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.