Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
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Saw online –
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
