Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

The old gods are rising again.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

certified hallow’s eve classic

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

making sure he doesnt get away

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1