Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts