Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

based

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”