Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
You Might Also Like
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time