Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I wish I could veto my bills.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
(more comics:
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.