Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Jupiter

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now