Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
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“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark