Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.