Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option