Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

These aliens are taking forever.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”