Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
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2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
The Assassin.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: