Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head