Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything