Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

And bowling should be called pinball

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.