Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

My birthstone is a marshmallow

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Personal question. #JustSaying

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.