Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*