“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
spy hq: keep her in sight
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance