“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Me in tagged photos
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!