Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Good lord

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.