Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

Van Gone