Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Chicago sounds lovely.
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-