Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Finished stitching this today 😇
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty