Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you