Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??