Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
no way 😭
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
