Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*