Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.