Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Flowers bee like
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.