Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.