Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
this came to me in a vision
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”