Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter