Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.