Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
I am laughing way too hard at this.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
🤣
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.