Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

I mean…but I did

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.