Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

The 4 stages of a family vacation

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.