Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
time for some seasonal decor
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Oh hi lol
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.