Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

🤣could you imagine

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.