Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Please vote for people who are attractive
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
the greatest twitter interaction
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Breakfast in bed.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
real
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune