Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
You Might Also Like
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
New skill unlocked
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.