Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
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I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.