Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.![]()
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.