just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
How did people charge their phones before electricity?