Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed