Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
You Might Also Like
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?