Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
You Might Also Like
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired