Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
You Might Also Like
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Autocarrot sucks!
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what