Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

White parent Vs Arab parents

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

orange cat behavior

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

I know this now 😂

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.