Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs