Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”