Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
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‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Not even remotely sorry.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”