Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

😾

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.