@stockejock

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

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@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@nuttywhippet

Places in Japan nowadays have banned some of the traditional Martial Arts,

They have adopted a strictly no Kendo attitude

@OMGSoOverIt

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

@jonnysun

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

@Be___Dope

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

@stevevsninjas

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

@TheHyyyype

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each