Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?