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The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I was just discussing this with my cat
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”