You Might Also Like
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself