FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
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Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The future is now.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
inventing words: clothing
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
How high do the levels go?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.