Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane