Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.