Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit