Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Lmao

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

This is me 🤣🤣

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.