Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.