*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Bless you
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you