Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

They must have gotten it to go.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

awesome draft from months ago i just found

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?