*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.