Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
me in a relationship:
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Tell me you get it…🤣
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.