Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day