Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes