Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself