Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
The internet is full of many things
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.