Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it