Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Skip intro
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?